Vol. 13: RIP Twitter / The Girl’s Guide to Unreal Unearth
A special invite inside!
Buckle up, Slimes. We’re eating good tonight!
A Eulogy for Twitter
From First-Time Slime, Conner Kerrigan
Dear Slimes,
According to the AP Stylebook, the first reference of a certain social media platform should be formatted as ”X, formerly known as Twitter.” In subsequent references, you should call it “the X platform” or simply “X.”
I will not be following those rules.
Today, we do not mourn for “the X Platform” and its owner, the Richest Chud Alive (there’s a few dead oil barons that beat him, but to be fair, they weren’t on Epstein’s flight logs).
No, today we mourn Twitter. Mostly the platform, but also the brand.
This is a smart group, so I won’t pontificate on the poor decision to sunset the Twitter brand in exchange for something that looks like Axe Body Spray created a porn app (but get this, it’s porn FOR MEN!) I do, however, want to mention that the brand rollout began horribly and continues to be horrible to this day.
Elements of both brands remain on the website, on the app, and in the AP Stylebook. I can’t tell who is worse at this — Elon “Big Divorce Energy” Musk or a certain “senior-level professional” who now works across the river. Either way, we all know to call it Abortion Access Missouri and not the old name, so our friends over there are doing a better job than ol’ Emerald Mine Musk, even without literal billions of dollars.
Enough about bad brand decisions and comically-inflated egos, let’s talk about Twitter.
For years, Twitter was so many things to so many people. For some of us, it was a career builder as we made our name in politics. For others, it was an essential organizing tool. For most, it was a way to learn that a celebrity died and also that Henry Kissinger is still alive. Pour one out for the dead Kissinger memes that will never be created. His wretched heart still beats as of this writing.
Speaking of dead war criminals—Twitter brought nations together, like when the Queen died and everyone except those fucking losers in England collectively danced on her grave.
Twitter also brought communities together — there are dear friends on this very email list that I met on Twitter and now Tweet at IRL with my voice in close proximity. I owe some very important (and quite a few unimportant) friendships to Twitter, and for that I’m grateful.
Twitter was fun. It simultaneously gave you a quick hit of dopamine and a dose of whichever brain chemical makes you feel unrestrained rage. It was also useful. You could keep up on local and national news, learning things like the fact that Nancy Reagan was like a Hoover vacuum on the Warner Bros. lot in the ‘80s.
As we watch X, formerly known as Twitter, die a slow and painful death from undiagnosed Small Dick Energy, let us remember the good times—like when Trump got COVID—but leave the platform behind.1 No need to participate anymore in the World’s Most Expensive Mid-life Crisis. Simply log out. Go outside. Smoke a joint. And have a great day.
You’re All Unhinged (And I Love It)
The Girl’s Guide to Unreal Unearth
From Valued Contributor and Top Slime, Sarah Crosley
Hozier's newest album Unreal Unreal is set to be released August 18, 2023 and prompts the question "How do I best recognize, nay honor, the creative genius that is Hozier?"
I present to you The Girl's Guide to Unreal Unearth. I'll take you track-by-track so you know how best to immerse yourself in the lyrical masterpiece this album is sure to be.
But let us be frank, there's really only one way to honor Hozier and that is by being a complete horndog. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Author's note: this guide was designed to be used with a partner but the decision to share this special moment with someone is really up to the reader. Choose wisely.
1. De Selby (Part 1)
Every moment deserves the right setting. Use this track to get comfortable.
2. De Selby (Part 2)
No really, make sure if a door needs to be closed and/or locked, you've done that. By now, you'll also know whether or not you've accidentally put the album on shuffle, which is a felony level offense.
3. First Time
Remember your first time? Wasn't it great? Now that your environment is comfortable, think back to your first time and become deeply uncomfortable.
4. Francesca
Now that we are all on an anxiety spiral together, it is time to get hot and heavy. Honor the namesake of this song (Francesca Di Remini, for those of you who didn't read The Inferno in prep for this album) and sleep with your boyfriend's brother.
5. I, Carrion (Icarion)
The odds of this track referring to Icarus are very high (ha, just like him - so sorry, I have an MA in Classics I never use). Anyways, tell your partner that you are about to come and watch them totally ruin any chance of you having an orgasm in real time.
6. Eat Your Young
Allegedly, this song is about gluttony. Be your most pillow princess self. Your partner asks you to switch positions? Pretend you don't hear them.
7. Damage Gets Done
Blurt out all your partner's red flags right now. Don't let them respond, and if they bring up any of yours (which are 100% fake by the way - you are perfect), burst into tears and ask them why they would say such horrible things totally unprompted.
8. Who We Are
Remember your partner's name? I certainly don't. Introduce yourself (again) well into the evening.
9. Son of Nyx
Okay wow the MA in Classics is....relevant. Nyx pumped out a lot of kids and most of them were real bummers. Since this author was accidentally excluded from receiving an advanced copy of the album, I've made some guesses (and recommendations) on who this title is referring to.
Moros (Destiny / Doom) - interrupt whatever you are doing to read the worst NPR headline you can find (read it aloud if a partner is with you); think about all the ways our planet has gone to shit.
Ker (Death) - pretend you are dead and commit to the bit for about 1 minute too long
Thanatos (also Death) - do that same bit a second time
Philotes (Love) AND Momus (Blame) - confess your love for someone you are casually sleeping with and when they say "oh, thanks," you can then blame them for what you just said
10. All Things End
Finally, just make yourself come because whoever you decided to share this moment with is just not going to make it happen for you. Better luck next time.
11. To Someone from a Warm Climate (Uiscefhuaraithe)
The planet is too hot, and this strange Irish word for "cool water" isn't reducing my climate anxiety at all. Listen to this song on loop with a partner who thinks it is totally normal that we keep setting records for the hottest month ever recorded.
12. Butchered Tongue
Let your partner go to chow town but turn the Google Maps directions off. They can take it from here.
13. Anything But (Butt)
Say no to anal this time but you'll totally be down for it next time, you promise.
14. Abstract (Psychopomp)
Psychopomps are guides for our spirits. Finally point out to your partner where your clit is.
15. Unknown / Nth
Think about the worst sex tip you ever read out of Cosmo. Deploy it right now. Need inspiration? Search "Cosmo glazed donut."
16. First Light
The night is over, and they are just not leaving - in fact, they keep telling you they had a "really great time" and "would love to see you again soon."
Kick them out before this track ends, start the album over again, and listen to it by yourself the way God (and Hozier) intended.
Happy listening,
Sarah
This Week’s Ins and Outs
IN:
✅ Winning therapy
✅ Peach season
✅ Brittany Broski videos
✅ Nixta
✅ Barbie Movie
OUT:
❌ Google Ads
❌ Fraudulent bank charges
❌ Being a lifelong learner
❌ 3 margaritas (NOT the song)
❌ Walgreens being out of Vyvanse
The author would like you to know that you’re LUCKY there are only four em dashes in this column.